


300

by w00t4ewan



Series: Tumblr Drabble Collection [8]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Crack, F/F, Tumblr Prompt, Utter satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 18:09:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4489578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/w00t4ewan/pseuds/w00t4ewan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Episode 300: JJ and Emily get kidnapped together and have to do whatever it takes to survive...</p>
            </blockquote>





	300

JJ came to, blinking into the florescent lighting of yet another warehouse. She had been abducted by yet another bad guy but this time was different. This time Emily had been abducted too! They had been leaving the theatre when henchmen threw bags over their heads and abducted them from a crowded space without anyone noticing. It was amazing how stealthy henchmen are these days. 

“Shit! We got abducted!” JJ whispered in Emily’s direction.

“Again!?” Emily sighed as she tugged against the restraints at her hands.

They were both strung up by their wrists in handcuffs attached to chains which were so conveniently connected to pullies in the ceiling, which were obviously built in the warehouse for just this occasion.

“How will we get through this?” JJ laughed sarcastically. She knew good and well the team would magically know JJ and Emily had gone missing even though it had only been a couple of hours and the team had no reason to suspect anything was wrong because it’s not like they were working a case or anything they had been out at a show on their night off, but don’t worry…the team would know. 

“Well, guess we just need to figure out how we’re going to pass the time,” Emily sighed looking at the clock on the wall. They had been missing for exactly two hours, which meant the team would probably arrive to rescue them in the next three hours. 

“I have an idea but it only involves you in handcuffs,” JJ grinned. 

“Damnit, Jennifer!” Emily scolded as she bit her lip at the simple suggestion. 

They had been dancing around their feelings for one another on and off for approximately 12 seasons now. They both knew they wanted to bone each other into oblivion but their lives were purely vanilla and women never bone other women in vanilla shows lives. 

“Too bad you’re all the way over there, all tied up…and elongated…and topless for some reason,” Emily whispered, feeling the sexual tension growing between them. 

“You’re right, why am I in my bra?” JJ asked.

“Ratings!” came the voice of the evil and brilliant, Erica Messer. She was the arch nemesis of JJ and Emily. She had put them through years of torture and bad plot points throughout the course of the careers now she had them hanging in a warehouse….again. BUT it’s different because this time they’re together. 

“Ratings?” JJ asked blankly, not understanding the answer. 

“People love seeing women in bras! We can’t do full nudity, this is a network show after all,” Messer added. 

Emily and JJ looked at each other and nodded in understanding. It seemed pretty legit. Boobs are pretty great after all. Everyone loves boobs. Men, even gay men, women, babies, everyone loves boobs. 

“Well I’m just going to let JJ down for a minute so we get some good shots of her crumpled on the ground crying so everyone watching feels pains they didn’t know were humanly possible. Then I’m going to leave the room for a while so you two can come up with a plan that I’ll be totally oblivious to. K?” Messer explained to her captives who nodded. She took out a key and let JJ down as promised, leaving the key precariously placed on the desk while she took her exit. 

“JJ she left the key! Let me out of here and we’ll escape before she gets back!” Emily said excitedly. 

“That’s a great idea! But I think now is the best time to get into a lengthy conversation about how we really feel about each other. I mean are we really going to pretend that we don’t want to lady-bone each other? It’s been years Emily. The way we look at each other, the way we drop everything to rush to the other’s rescue. That entire Blackbird story arch. I mean really. I think we need to talk about the fact that you’re gay and you have unrequited feelings towards me because I chose Will. And I want to talk about the fact that you left for Interpol because you couldn’t stick around and see me happy if it meant I wasn’t with you. I get it, it was hard. But you didn’t have to leave the show my entire life over it.”

"JJ I didn’t leave your entire life! The team mentioned me like three times after I left, confirming to the audience that I still exist. Its like when people leave the BAU and go to the character grave yard but we call it Andi Swann’s unit!” Emily stated casually as if this statement explained everything.

"Oh, I guess that makes sense. But can we talk about all of those times you stared at me longingly and I was completely unaware at the fact you wanted me? But then when I got abducted I knew in my heart of hearts you’d be the one to save me. Because Blackbird is our thing and I put all my hopes on Hotch calling you, you getting there in time and remembering that conversation we had a couple of years before about being a blackbird. But of course you remembered because you hang on my every word because you love me. Don’t you Emily? Do you love me?” JJ asked earnestly. 

“Yes, I love you JJ. I have loved you since the moment I met you back in season 2. Since you brought me up to speed on protocol. And the time I held your hand in season three, I knew right then, I just knew I had to have you. Everything after that was just heavy innuendo, but I wanted it to be canon so badly. I love you JJ, you take my breath away. You had me at hello. Never let me go, JJ, never let go. Because when I’m with you it’s like I’m finally alive!”

“You know I just can’t even. There were major plot holes to fill so they created Will and I had no choice but to be with him once I had Henry. Because even though it’s modern day America and women raise children on their own all the time, I couldn’t possibly NOT end up marrying my baby’s daddy. Unlike fetch (which will never happen), this was written in the stars. It was destiny! I’m sorry Em, we’ll never be together like you want us to be.”

Suddenly the door opened again and Erica entered with two henchmen in expensive suits. “Seriosuly? I left for like TEN minutes and you didn’t even get her out of the handcuffs? What the hell were you guys doing in here? Because suddenly these network execs showed up and demanded I kill one of you off before things get too gay.”

"Take me! My character died after season six anyway, "Emily admitted. 

Erica shrugged and pulled out a gun and shot Emily point-blank in the chest killing her instantly. But since it’s Criminal Minds and they like to lead you on, the execs plugged her full of five more shots to prove she was most def dead this time. 

JJ collapsed next to her and cried in the saddest possible way anyone has ever seen. I mean seriously, what even!? How can someone possibly look this goddamned heartbroken and sad and OMFG my feels!!! 

"Emily. I love you! I’m so sorry I never told you, but I love you!”

*credits*


End file.
